Welcome to my World She Said

"Anything" and "Goes". You don't need a high IQ to figure it out
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Lonely Black Heart
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Welcome to my World She Said

Post by Lonely Black Heart »

Well, I'm not very far into it but I feel like getting a little exposure with it. ;) It'ss probaly take me a while to finish, but if you like twists you're sure to love the end! So tell me what you think of it so far. :)


The black rimmed clock on the wall read "1:45", just as it had ten minutes ago. A brief sigh escaped Corsetine, "Another ten minutes.", she speculated; everthing here seemed to be on a ten minute based schedule. She pushed her chair in closer to the desk and slid to the edge of the seat. Corsetine faced the aisle, but kept her feet tucked in beneath her seat as she waited for her cue to head downstairs. A low tone cut through the silence and anticipation in the air. She rose quickly and gave an apathetic push to slide the chair at which she had been seated under the desk, and exited the room as quickly as would be allowed.
There was a long line to recieve rations, but Corsetine had no use for the food here. If she wanted something she could just take it off someone near her's tray. Not at full capacity quite yet, the cavernous room only echoed a murmur of voices and sliding chairs. Corsetine came to rest at the chair nearest the only occupant, so far, of the table at which she sat. For a moment she simply admired the creature that was Mongrol, an unphathomable demonstration of flawless human architecture. He turned to her, and Corsetine offered a casual greeting. Mongrol nodded in solemn, dignified response, she was often too exuberant for him before he had recieved any caffiene. A trace of disheartenment cast itself upon Corsetine, as it always seemed to, but she remained undaunted.
"How's your day been?", she asked nonchalantly. She knew his answer, but in truth all she wanted was to hear his voice.
"Eh, alright.", Mongrol responded in a careless tone, but she was drawing more attention. Corsetine turned to him, "Tired?".
"Aren't I always?"
"Well, yeah.", Corsetine said with a faint trace of a laugh.
Borris arrived at the table soon afterwords.
"Give me half of your sandwich.", Mongrol said in place of a greeting.
"No.", Borris responded as he flipped open the lid to the flimsy plastic container and slid Corsetine a small plastic cup of strawberries and bannanas.
"Borris, give me half your sandwich." Mongrol prodded, "You don't need it." An indignant sigh escaped the rounded, disgruntled Borris.
"Now why the hell should I give you half my sandwich? You just called me fat." Borris returned.
"Well I'm not lying am I?" Mongrol said in an impatient tone, it was only a matter of time before he won, he always did.
Borris shot his aggressor an irked look as he squeezed condiments onto one half of the sandwich. Mongrol stared at Borris with piercing eyes. All the while Corsetine simply gazed into the crystalline blue eyes of Mongrol. She often studied them, a welcoming yet mysterious glassy blue, muted yellow escaping from the center, and the faintest trace of a darker blue around the very edge. Corsetine broke her trance to laugh now and then, and to avoid being noticed. Although early in the year, Corsetine was entranced with Mongrol already. Of course, as the story always seems to go, someone else was ahead of her in line for him. Mongrol had a companion, though the relationship nothing special and the female of choice was nothing less than flighty.
"Oh God damn it, take it." Borris exclamed as he gave into Mongrol's undeniable persuasiveness.
"Thank you, Borris." Mongrol said, as if there had ever been any other possible result.
Corsetine smiled and laughed silently to herself. The two men near her sat and ate quietly, one content and the other on guard. After a moment Mongrol extracted his wallet out of his back pocket, pulling it out by its chain and opening it. He took out a single dollar bill and put the wallet away.
"Borris, get me a milk." Mongrol said and gestured toward the machine with the dollar bill in hand. Borris made an indignant noise, crossed his arms, and gave Mongrol a critical look. A moment lateer Mongrol was imploring the same task upon another passing aqauintance. Again he was not immmidiately served, but rather made to wait as the passerby made fake deliberations as to whether or not they would accept. With a shy smile Corsetine offered her hand to Mongrol. He looked at her for a moment, as petty thievery with such transactions was common, but he handed her the money. She was eager to please and hurried her way through scattered chairs and slanted tables to the vending machine where she entered the dollar bill and returned with the desired item quickly.
"Thank you." Mongrol said, more sincerely this time, with a nod that sent shivers down Corsetine's spine.
"Welcome." Corsetine responded with a slight nod back. The tone of her voice had sounded nonchalant to her, but as she would later learn Mongrol and Borris were much more perceptive than she thought.
"How are you and Hueghy?" Borris asked Mongrol. Corsetine could tell that Borris already knew that something was amiss between the two, but was obviously not thoroughly informed. Corsetine now listened eagerly, hoping without guilt that something was wrong between Mongrol and "Hueghy".
"We're going to take a time out." Mongrol said, and then he lead Borris away from the table where Corsetine was sitting.
They began talking in semi-hushed tones, not too quiet of course, they had to be able to hear eachother with the room now full and tumultuous with noise. Their backs were turned as they discussed some seemingly confidential topic. Corsteine was racing with hope and anticipation, she knew that it was naive, but how could she help it? She crept over behind the two, and listened with Borris as a shield from view. Their conversing seemed to have subsided now, though, and they were simply looking at eachother. Mongrol had noticed her, and taken a brief look at her, but that did not damper Borris and his coded communication. Once in a while one would nod, in response to an exaggerated expression. They continued like this for another minute, then went back to their seats. Corsetine looked at them, a sort of helpless look on her face.
"Confused?" Borris asked, a reassuring, yat smug smile on his face.
"Ummmm....eh" Corsetine nodded and sighed softly. Borris nodded and gave no explination.
[size=75]Its so hard to see when you're eyes are rolling in the back of your head. Its even harder to speak when everything you say jst comes out wrong.
-Atreyu

I hope that this is my last fit
I ought to want to stop to quit[/size]
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Post by rayster »

darn,..thats pretty small
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Post by Nessus »

seems cool, nice scope for character develpement :)

a few grammar/spelling mistakes ;)

although i do like the use of challenging vocabulary sometimes the use of a thesaurus and picking a longer word can detract from the original meaning. eg: "an unphathomable demonstration of flawless human architecture." in itself a nice phrase, but it seems a little overworked and a little forced.

also you may want to look at making character comparisons a little more subtle, like the realtionship between borris and mongrol. your readers might be able to work out that borris is the submissive type through the conversation, rather than being told outright.

like the literary irony of calling your handsome man "mongrol" :D
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Post by Lonely Black Heart »

Well, as oddly as it sounds "an unphathomable display of flawless human architcture" is the exact phrase that cam to me when I met him. (a lot of the characters are based off of pople I know). And yeah spelling, most of this is typed fast and late at night, so that stuff can be expcted. lol
[size=75]Its so hard to see when you're eyes are rolling in the back of your head. Its even harder to speak when everything you say jst comes out wrong.
-Atreyu

I hope that this is my last fit
I ought to want to stop to quit[/size]
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Post by Nessus »

heh, when you gonna have more up?

/me is a bit of a reading fiend... ;-)
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Post by Lonely Black Heart »

more will be up soon, I need to regain some confidence. its probably going to take a little bit. sorry, butdone worry, ther is more. In fact now that I have said this I might just put it up today...I dont know....
[size=75]Its so hard to see when you're eyes are rolling in the back of your head. Its even harder to speak when everything you say jst comes out wrong.
-Atreyu

I hope that this is my last fit
I ought to want to stop to quit[/size]
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Welcome to my World She Said - Chapter 2

Post by Lonely Black Heart »

Chapter Two

Promptly at dismissal Corsetine went to retrieve her jacket. While she did, she realized that Honoria had already gotten hers and exited the building. As Corsetine headed downstairs she saw a group of boys she recognized from earlier in the day. While not bad looking, they couldn't hold a candle to Mongrol. They were too immature for Corsetine anyway, none of them could maintain the level of relationship she needed and strived for. "None of them could handle the baggage anyway." Corsetine thought to herself with a laugh. A moment later Corsetine was pushing open the second set of doors that led outside. She paused on the top of the miniscule set of steps to survey the populus. Honoria was standing in a circle with Hueghy, Sorrel, and a few other people Corsetine did not recognize, she approached anyway.
"Hi Honoria!" Corsetine said in an excited voice.
"HHHIIIIIIIII!!!" Honoria responded in a higher squeek
Corsetine stood and listened in on the coversation for a moment, but quickly lost interest. Standing nearby at the foot of the steps was Mongrol, Borris, and M (James was his real name, but everyone called him "M', there were two James.). She strode over with an attempt at confidence. It seemed to work, as Mongrol nodded to acknowledge her presence. Borris and M gave verbal greetings, and Corsetine responded quickly. She had been unsure how to respond to Mongrol's nod, so chose to acknowledge him verbally as well. After a moment of listnening in upon the conversation going between the group of men, all older than Corsetine, she decided to break the monotony of stares and silence.
"Oooph! Hello..." Borris exclaimed as Corsetine threw herself onto him, allowing all her weight to rest on his soft arms.
"Hi!!!" Corsetine chirped back.
After a moment of leaning on Borris for support Corstine regained her feet and stepped back into her place on the edge of the rough circle that had formed. The topic of conversation drifted from classes and teachers to what album they had borrowed eachother to who had already forgotten whatever homework they had. In a moment when Mongrol was unprepared Corsetine launched herself at him also.
"Hello" Mongrol said with a small laugh. He caught her much better than Borris had, and seemed to hold Corsetine longer than he needed before helping her regain her balance. Corsetine melted into his arms, it was an amazing feeling. Mongrol Held Corsetine's arms as she stood in front of him for a moment before M made a noise. Corsetine looked to him, he had an imploring look with a hint of sadness.
"Don't worry, you get a hug too!" Corsetine said with a smile.
"Yay!" M responded. With that she threw herself towards him. Corsetine and M nearly fell entirely to the pavement. With laughs from all they stood up and returned to the conversation.
Rounding the corner came the assigned police officer waving them away and proceeding in the daily routine of telling the chatting crowds to head home or cross the street. The group turned and everyone picked up their bags or loose belongings. Honoria, Borris, Corsetine, Mongrol, and M headed around to a different side of the building a short distance away to stand and continue talking without interference from the police officer or administrators. Corsetine dropped her bag next to Honoria's underneath a ragged tree. Borris, coming moments later, did the same.
Honoria took out her cell phone, and after taking a quick glance at it put it away and picked up her bag.
"Time is it?" Borris asked.
"It's 2:45, I've got to go!" Honoria responded quickly. Corsetine had seen Honoria pick up her bag, which was a signal that they would have to leave. Reluctantly Corsetine picked up her own bag, slung it over her shoulder and began to say goodbye to everyone. She gave them all quick half hugs, except for Mongrol, who she saved for last.
"Bye Mongrol, see you tomorrow." Corsetine said as she wrapped her arms fully around him.
"Yup, bye." Mongrol responded and embraced Corsetine, her face turned to the side as she was pulled in close to his shoulder.
Corsetine smiled and must have blushed as she broke away from Mongrol to join Honoria in their walk to Honoria's mother's work. They trodded over grass and road as they talked jubilantly with eachother. There wasn't a single topic that one refrained from discussing with the other. Corsetine and Honoria were nearly unseperable.
"So where are you going today?" Honoria asked Corsetine in an almost business manner, she was planning her afternoon.
"Uhh I don't know. What do you think?" Corsetine responded carelessly, she was a very laid-back person who seldom made plans such as that.
"I don't know." Honoria said, a bit disgruntled, having hoped for an answer.
"I'll go to your house. Okay?" Corsetine said casually.
"Okay!" Honoria said in a cheery tone.
[size=75]Its so hard to see when you're eyes are rolling in the back of your head. Its even harder to speak when everything you say jst comes out wrong.
-Atreyu

I hope that this is my last fit
I ought to want to stop to quit[/size]
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Post by rayster »

sayyy why are the letters so darn small?/
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Post by Lonely Black Heart »

its either my self-esteem issu or my inferiority complex. or it could all be in your head :badgrin:
[size=75]Its so hard to see when you're eyes are rolling in the back of your head. Its even harder to speak when everything you say jst comes out wrong.
-Atreyu

I hope that this is my last fit
I ought to want to stop to quit[/size]
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Post by rayster »

no dont think its in my head...for one thing i think its empty so it cant be in their...lol
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Post by Nessus »

:p

nice chapter

/me copied it into word and double spaced it... ;-)

I liked that chapter better than the first. Have you got a sort of length for the book? or target audience?

Chapter 2 seems easier to read than chapter 1, don't know if that was intentional or not. Keep up the good work! :D
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Post by Lonely Black Heart »

Thanks some more. Well I dont think I purposely made it easier to read, but I guess its prolly more interesting. Meet some new characters and stuff. Length? hmmm I'm hoping to get full length novelly, or at least to around 200 pages. Wow that seems like a lot, little overwhelming :shock: but I could prolly do it. I'll have to go back and add a lot, but then again I keep forgetting that there is a second halfy thing and the twist, which will take up a lot....yeah dont bother asking for too much explination..writers notes and my little mindy things...And no, I guess I really hadnt thought of a target audience.

Rayster--lol I'm sure theres something in there. ;)
[size=75]Its so hard to see when you're eyes are rolling in the back of your head. Its even harder to speak when everything you say jst comes out wrong.
-Atreyu

I hope that this is my last fit
I ought to want to stop to quit[/size]
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Post by rayster »

Are you Certain??
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Post by Lonely Black Heart »

Well one can never be absolutely certain about someone else's heaad, but if there really isnt anything in there I'll have to pump it full of something. ;)
[size=75]Its so hard to see when you're eyes are rolling in the back of your head. Its even harder to speak when everything you say jst comes out wrong.
-Atreyu

I hope that this is my last fit
I ought to want to stop to quit[/size]
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Post by rayster »

Whiskey would be great........Jack Daniels ....please
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